This has been a difficult couple of weeks. [Be warned: not
much any humor in this post.]
By now we’ve all heard that Elizabeth Edwards died from cancer today. It’s not like I knew her, but I’m saddened by her death and by her obituaries that focus on her
asshole jerk of a husband and all his betrayals. She seemed like a very decent, intelligent person, and it bothers me to no end that cancer doesn’t really care about that. Her passing and the news coverage of it is just one more reason that I have been unable to put cancer, and more to the point, the possibility of a recurrence of cancer, out of my mind of late. Elizabeth Edwards death today brings me back to the blog…to vent.
I haven’t been able to blog lately for a lot of reasons, but mostly because I don’t really know what to say. I still don’t. Cancer has been omnipresent of late and I may well have lost my sense of humor about it.
In the past two weeks we have once again been dealing with cancer in our family. My beautiful sister-in-law (my brother’s wife) lost her father to throat cancer just before Thanksgiving. He was 63 years old and his diagnosis was shocking and his battle was very short. My sister-in-law lost her mother to breast cancer 11 years ago on December 14th at the age of 52. I remember being at her mom’s funeral on December 23rd, the year after my father’s wife died on that same day. It’s just not fair. Cancer never is. I think of my niece who has a grandmother, a grandfather and an aunt who’ve all had cancer and what this might mean for her future (and I hope it means early screening, extra attention and vigilance…but mostly I hope for a cure before any of that matters)
And very recently, with seemingly no warning, Chris’s aunt has been diagnosed with Stage IV metastasized breast cancer, with a pretty grim diagnosis. I’ve been helping her on the legal side of things (the “get your affairs in order” side of things) and Chris spent several hours with her at the hospital today. I can’t help but think that she’s probably had cancer for far longer than I have (or did? what’s the proper word here…we don’t know) but for some reason hers wasn’t caught, but mine was. Or was it?
I think about these people, these cancers, and I think about my blogging friends battling various stages of cancer, and another business colleague who recently went to a hospital to say goodbye to a friend of hers whose breast cancer has recurred and was nearing the end of her battle, and I think about my new “virtual” friends recently diagnosed with breast cancer and in touch because they found my blog and reached out for support, and I think…F*CK CANCER. I wish I could be more articulate than that, but no…F*CK CANCER. And I think about the possibility of a recurrence of my own cancer and I just want to say that again. F*CK CANCER.
Usually my logical mind takes charge and so yeah, I can figure out that none of us knows how long we have or if cancer will strike or strike a second time and that I’m maybe no more likely to die of cancer than anyone else despite my recent encounters, because the thing is…none of us knows…. but also, I can’t stop thinking about cancer right now.And the possibility of recurrence.
Have I mentioned how much I dislike this time of year? There is a lot of good stuff going on in my life right now, but at the moment, today, I can’t seem to focus on that. Because life is just not fair. Not fair at all.