I should be pretty happy about the final chemo tomorrow, and I have moments where that’s true. But I’m not feeling good today, so it’s hard to “look forward” to chemotherapy. I’ll look forward to being done with it, which requires me to ignore the fact that I’m about to feel like crap again for a few days. Oh, wait, I already feel like crap. Huh. Okay, so I look forward to nothing changing, two weeks going by and voila! I’m through with chemo. Mostly. I hope to learn tomorrow when I can go back to normal–as in, go back in the jacuzzi, eat sushi, eat mushrooms, strawberries and all other sorts of “dangerous” foods. And how long before the energy returns? Inquiring mind needs to know. And I have to say, I have great admiration for folks who’ve gone through chemo for months on end. This will be my fourth treatment–and that’s a short cycle. Many folks have to do 6 or 8 or even more (and in times past, even more was common; science has moved ahead and they find so many chemos are not necessary). I’m pretty sure whatever positive attitude I’ve managed to muster would completely evaporate if I thought I had 6 or 9or 12 more weeks of this. No, thank you.

So because I’m not feeling well, I’m going to bed early and not doing much blogging. I’m sure there will be plenty to say post-chemo. Any bets on whether I even see the doctor tomorrow?

(Don’t forget to scroll down and vote on the TWO polls on the right. I find the results so far extremely interesting!)

I’m a little shocked…and possibly embarrassed…that this is my 100th post! Kinda talking your ears off aren’t I? (Or is it typing your eyes out…no, that can’t be right….)Well, thanks for hanging in there with me. And in other milestones…with the help of reader comments, I have come to the conclusion that it isn’t wine that is causing hives (more on how I know this in a moment). Clearly what’s causing the hives is the chemo. Therefore, I’m giving up chemo. After Thursday there will be no more chemo in my life. Ever. It’s a brilliant solution. Also, I understand that giving up chemo cures baldness. This is going to be awesome. I’m so glad I thought of it.

So how do I know it wasn’t the wine? The weekend of course! I’ve been so tired (um, yeah, that might also be the weekend) I forgot to tell you all about the fun-filled busy weekend. Saturday night was our dinner with Dr. Karam at Omakase…so basically blog Break-out stars #1, #2 and #4 (sadly, Seamus aka Blogbos #3 was not able to join us; he’s still howling about that) were all together in one place. Yes, the place had to be cordoned off with red velvet ropes and the paparazzi was barely kept at bay. And just to arrive, poor Dr. Karam spent nearly 3 hours in his car (a Prius!! ) to get out to Riverside. No, he doesn’t live in Santa Barbara, he just got caught in some awful traffic on the 60 freeway. And yet he didn’t give up and turn around. What a guy. Luckily the dinner at Omakase was more than worth it. He said he couldn’t decide which was better the food or the wine. I suggested maybe it would be the company but he said no, definitely the food or the wine. (We kid. We kid.)

Dinner was fabulous and chef Brien does some just incredible wine pairings so there’s no way I could not have a glass of wine. And maybe a sip or two of some of the pairings that went with Chris’s dinner. No bad reactions. No hives. This may only mean that in the third week after chemo I can have wine, but hey, that’s a start. We finished our evening with a nightcap at Mario’s listening to some jazz. We had to make sure his visit was at least as long as the drive out. Oh, and I was a brunette for the evening (photo above). Dr. Karam claims he has emailed friends about the fabulous dinner he had in Riverside (that echo you hear is his friends collectively shouting “In Riverside????” Yes people. In Riverside, California. Omakase. Don’t forget it.

We made it to the Festival of Books in time to see and hear TC Boyle (a favorite author) at 11. We also saw a panel on Fiction and Humor, which sadly was nearly ruined by a really crappy moderator who thought she was funny (and she was so, so wrong). But at any rate, Chris and I got to see our old writing instructor, Tod Goldberg, who is basically responsible for our meeting. We even met up with Dr. Karam again (so now we can probably call him Amer; until he puts that white coat on again) to roam the aisles of booths of books and books and books. Yep, two days of hanging with the good doctor and I never had to take my top off! I must be getting to the end of this cancer thing.

I only rested a little at Chris’s sister Kati’s very cute Beverly Hills apartment (there was Real Housewives of New York to watch!) before we headed out to meet the rest of his family for dinner. Great dinner (gnocchi gorgonzola…mmmmmm) and again I tested the “wine does not cause hives” theory to great success (albeit in moderation). But in hindsight, I can see that schedule was perhaps a bit much. I’ve been pretty tired these past two days. I think I may have now gotten enough rest.

Which is a good thing, since I had the blood test today which is the official start of chemo week. Tomorrow is the steroids. Then of course Thursday is the last, the final, the never to be experienced again chemo. Fingers crossed it goes as well as this last one. A little queasiness, a little weight gain (okay, 3 maybe 4 pounds…see gorgonzola gnocchi above)–that much I can handle. And speaking of weight gain, we’re headed to Pizzaioli tomorrow night for a pre-chemo wine dinner. I won’t be having wine (the night before chemo, even I can figure out that’s a bad idea!) but I will be carb-loading in preparation! Chris will handle the wine portion of the evening. Look, if you ever have to go through chemo….I highly recommend eaiting and drinking well throughout. It’s getting me through.

(PS…Seamus is feeling better. As anticipated, the hard part is keeping him from running around like a maniac and re-injuring himself.)

That about sums up today. It was a Monday. The morning started with Chris picking up Seamus from Ruff House and bringing him back home. As I’m petting Seamus and giving him some love, he starts howling his head off, clearly in pain, and sits down, awkwardly but he won’t get up for awhile. The back/hip problem is clearly worse. We get a vet appointment at 3:15, but our usual wonderful Dr. Davis is on vacation. I head into the office and have a perfectly crappy morning in the office arguing with stupid people on behalf of clients (said stupid people work for the government and again this causes me to fear for us all). Lunch appointment at 11:30. Person I’m having lunch with shows up at 12:30. Back to the office for more annoying phone calls. Leave at 2:40 to race home to pick up Chris and Seamus then back to my office so I can make a 3 o’clock conference call and Chris can take Seamus to the vet. (We have only one car currently–Chris’s is in need of some attention, which it will get on Tuesday; Seamus took priority.) My 3 o’clock conference call never called.

Seamus’s x-rays show a little hip dysplasia, but they think he probably injured it and needs to rest. No stairs. No jumping. This is nearly impossible to accomplish because 1) he’s a beagle and 2) our house is multi-leveled and has stairs pretty much everywhere. He now has anti-inflammatory medicine as well, and judging by the effects of the first one, it makes him feel like he can run up and down stairs…until he can’t. And Seamus hates to be picked up (he hates not being in control actually), so this carrying him up and down the stairs is going to be interesting.

At any rate, our evening at least went well. Brein and Roryann came over for the Forgotten Grapes wine tasting and brought some fabulous food. That helped a lot. I think it helped Seamus too. But, I couldn’t even stay awake for the whole thing. I took a nap when they first got here (my usual nap when I get home from work) but was not too successful. Then around 9 o’clock I had to lay down on the couch and nap again (not a very good hostess, but they were understanding). So I guess with the compromised immune system comes the compromised ability to deal with stress. I blame the government. At any rate, this was a long way of saying I’m also too tired now for much of a blog post. Sorry. The next one will have to be special though. It will be the 100th post! See you then.

So I guess I am wordy. There is a new poll and it is a two-parter. It’s on the right and you have to scroll down a bit. But note there are two polls–they look similar but there is a key difference. The first poll is what epiphany I’m likely to have and the second one, right below it….is what epiphany I should have. Big difference. Some of you only voted on the first. Scroll down. Vote on the second. I need encouragement toward an epiphany!

We will return to regular posting tonight.

Never has a girl been so excited to have stubble on her legs!! Or to have her boyfriend point it out to her. So last night Chris and I and Seamus are on the couch watching a movie in our usual position (Seamus snuggled down between us, my legs across Chris’s lap, Chris with one arm around me and Seamus and the other hand on my legs…or holding a drink. Sometimes both). And suddenly Chris says, “You have stubble!” What? Huh? Alert the media! That would mean hair!! Or the start of hair. Now it wasn’t a lot, and it’s on my legs, not my head, but it’s stubble! After 6 weeks of hairlessness, this is rather amazing. And sure, it’s likely to fall right back out next week after chemo #4, but how exciting to know there’s hair under there just dying to make a comeback! I find this inspiring. Like the moment chemo #4 wears off, the hair growing will begin in earnest. My bald days are numbered. Which means I really need to do a bald photo soon, for all posterity. After all, I really don’t plan on doing this again.

I did make it to a full week of feeling good and working. Felt very, very good to accomplish that. Seamus is also feeling better. Seems he pulled a muscle or something in his back. He gets a bit better every day. And last night Chris and I made our plans and reservations for 1) La Jolla/ San Diego in May, 2) an estate planning/work conference in Chicago in August (with a few extra play days), and 3) The big island of Hawaii and Maui December 15 to 26th! I will admit I bought the travel protection plan in a bit of caution over the August trip. I finish up radiation in mid-July and we’d leave August 1st…so I’m cautiously optimistic. Really looking at that bright, shiny light at the end of the tunnel (no train jokes, please).

This will probably be the only post this weekend. We’ve got dinner with the great and good Dr. Karam at Omakase tonight and the LA times Festival of Books tomorrow, followed by dinner with Chris’s family for his sister Courtney’s 25th birthday celebration. Luckily, we can go to his sister Kati’s apartment between events so I can nap (only way that schedule would work!). But this will leave no time for blogging. So, just to tide you over, a new poll has been posted–look over to the side bar. It’s even a two-parter. This should keep you contemplating all weekend. But don’t worry, I’m sure I’ll have plenty to report by Monday night. And next week is “chemo week”–the blood tests, meds prep, final chemo and aftermath week. So you know there will be some serious blogging then. Let’s all rest up.

P.S. The picture? Come on, the dude has stubble!

This week (if all goes well tomorrow), I believe, will be the first week since the start of chemo, that I was able to put in 5 eight hour days of work with no naps, no doctor’s appointments, no medical emergencies, no blood tests, no phone calls with nurses, no special foods, no metallic taste in my mouth, and no pharmacy visits. Plus, I wore the same (red) wig the entire week and thus did not need to explain “chemo” or “cancer” or pretty much anything to anyone. I just got to go about my normal days, feeling darn close to normal. Other than the feet thing, and of course the bald thing (but it’s not like I’m the one looking at me all day or night), and the fact that I’m reading a breast cancer memoir, there isn’t much that reminds me of my status as “breast cancer patient.” I was so much not thinking about my patient status that I only just tonight remembered to make my blood test appointment at my favorite hidden Quest Diagnostics location. I’m all set for Tuesday. Okay, the fact that I can’t drink wine which really pisses me off, does remind me of the chemo/cancer status, but that’s only an issue when I come home from work and Chris has made some fine meal that really needs wine with it, or just, you know, when it’s evening and I want a glass of wine. So anyway, I think I’m getting the hang of this chemo thing. Just in time for my last round. Now only 6 days away.

And in great anticipation of that milestone, Chris and I started planning our mini-vacation in San Diego/ La Jolla (now May 15th to 20th) and our huge/gigantic/ cannot wait for it/ lounging on the beach sipping umbrella drinks and ignoring Christmas Maui vacation. A friend and client was spectacularly kind enough to give us a week at their ocean-front condo December 20th to 27th, so that really got the planning going. We’re considering a few days on the big island ahead of time–it’s way cheaper to fly out on December 15th or earlier, as it turns out. So hey, we’re up for a few extra days. As we’re planning it I keep saying stupid things like “yeah, but I’m supposed to stay out of the sun” or “what if I don’t have the energy to walk up to see the volcano?” And Chris has to remind me that come December, I’m no longer “cancer person.”(Of course, that still leaves the second question entirely relevant.) So an odd dichotomy there–it’s not on my mind all the time, but apparently my status as “cancer/chemo person” is now ingrained. I can’t quite see the end yet. But it’s true. It will be over then! I will even have hair at that point. Short, darker and probably curlier hair, but hair! Did I mention I can’t wait for this trip?

So yes, I’m looking ahead. Planning some things. Focusing past last chemo and over radiation (not wanting to think about that yet. One thing at a time.) It’s helping.

Oh, and Seamus is feeling better today too. And that of course, makes me feel much, much better.

Two different people, who didn’t know I’m in chemotherapy and therefore, actually bald, have told me I look “10 to 15 years younger” in this particular look. So I figured it was time to show you my “day to day” look–since I’ve really only posted the fun looks (all hail Britney, bitch). And yes, I had bangs cut into the wig (it’s the same one you voted on, only now with bangs). I couldn’t tolerate the fishing line like hairs in my face all day. The handy thing about wigs is I can make the bangs as long or as short as I want (within reason) by moving the wig forward or back on my head. I usually start out with the whole sultry, wispy bangs down in my eyes look and by the end of the day (when this photo was taken) I’ve pushed it back on my head to get it out of my eyes. I don’t really think I look younger. In fact at times I think it’s sort of a “mom” look. Not necessarily my mom, although she did have red hair for most of my childhood and this is probably the most I’ve ever looked like her. Just a more conservative “mom in the burbs” look. And speaking of the burbs…the picture was taken on the balcony off our bedroom. A nice burb to live in.

I still felt fine today. I even worked until after 6pm. The feet were a little better. Perhaps because I wore sensible flat shoes (still cute; adorable Coach ballet flats) and then followed Doctor Dad’s orders and soaked my feet in cold water and then elevated them for a bit when I got home. Seems to have helped. That and I’m distracted from my own health issues by the fact that Seamus clearly isn’t feeling well. He was waiting for me at the gate when I got home…all sad and moving slowly (which almost never happens with a beagle). He took a nap with me but was slow to get off the bed and then yelped when he jumped up on the couch with me later. I think he injured something (back possibly) so we’re letting him rest and see what it looks like in the morning. I’ve tried to feel around and he let me without any more yelping or wincing, so I can’t really figure out what’s hurting him. He’s awfully cuddly/needy though. Currently, he is sleeping soundly in his own bed, snoring up a marching band’s worth of noise and I’m hoping that’s a good thing. Poor Chris. Too many patients in the house. (Oooh, good place to remind you to check out the new Forgotten Grapes posting on Thursday!!)

Thursday marks the one week countdown to the last chemo!! While I’ll be happy to be through with that and moving on, I’m mostly looking forward to getting 3 weeks past that–I will consider that the true end of chemo and all of its crazy side effects. Hence the planned trip to San Diego for a quick getaway celebration. The plans for Memorial Day weekend aren’t really working out, so it may be the weekend before. Hard to say right now. But we’re going!! Break #1 will be in May one way or another. I need something happy and distracting between chemo and radiation. Especially now that I’ve learned more about radiation. (Let’s just say there should be some exciting blog posts during radiation…but probably not too many photos).

And on a final note, the Biotene Gum Fairy was indeed STACEY ALDSTADT. She’s leaving on vacation and probably worried about me still driving all over town looking for gum. So she handled it. Gum online. Who knew?

I’m still going to say I made it to 7 days in a row of feeling good. Because this falls more in the “weird things that happen on chemo” category than it does “bad day.” But I think I’m experiencing a little of the neuropathy they keep mentioning and asking about. You know the feeling when something, say your mouth at the dentist, gets numbed and then just as the numbness is wearing off? How you can feel things but not feel things? Yeah, that’s my feet. Particularly my left foot. And both feet are swollen sausages, with little red dots all over them. And my toes keep getting little cramps. The swollen and tingly/numb feeling started yesterday…but I’m wondering now if that didn’t contribute to my fantastic fall UP the stairs on Sunday (I just missed the stair–part of my foot was on it but part wasn’t and down I went). The red bumps and toe cramps just started tonight. Cancer dork, indeed.

And the hives are back a bit. Sadly, it’s probably my fault. My office went to Ciao Bella for Happy Hour as a “Administrative Assistant’s Appreciation” get together (a day early; I have a busy staff with busy schedules of their own). I did not try yet another glass of wine in yet another futile science experiment. I had Rum & Diet Coke. Clearly, Diet Coke exarcebates the hives. It might also be this 100+ degree weather we are having. I know the hot shower makes the red bumps show up in all their glory, so perhaps the heat does too. I’m going with that.

I once again also learned that two client meetings at work is about my energy limit. Today I had two meetings and a conference call and that was it for me. Nap time. Or, er, happy hour time. I still consider today a good day though. Many of you assured me in blog comments and emails that not crying was okay and some of you even know others who didn’t cry when they were diagnosed and dealing with cancer either. Phew. Thank goodness, because I had no idea how I was going to start faking drama and “real” emotion. Luckily, Lori offered up that she’d been in a car accident and I could cry for her. And I will. I just need to know which Lori it was! I sent flowers, wine, chocolates and a gorgeous card…if you didn’t get it, I obviously had the wrong Lori (Lori, Kathy, Nancy and Monica– if you have no photo next to your name when you leave comments–I need a last initial!!).

I also received a fun surprise in the mail. Another mystery! Someone way smarter than me found Biotene gum online and sent me a big box!! (I think it has 8 packages of gum in it!!). There was no card or name though. So I’m thinking Zee Beard strikes again? Or, it could be Stacey Aldstadt since she’s twice driven me around in search of the gum (and other products). Or it could be Holly Gunnette since she in essence left a comment that said “I have Biotene gum and you don’t! neener neener neener!” And then told me she couldn’t remember where she bought it but it was somewhere local. Maybe she felt bad after teasing me like that. The package did ship post tax-season, she would have had time then. Hmmmm….. The mystery deepens. Whomever it was–thank you very much! I’ve already tested it out and it will work nicely.

Tomorrow is day 14 after chemo #3…so that will be the end of the “danger zone.” I think this was the easiest of the three. Days 15 to 21 should be smooth sailing. Okay, smooth-ish. Let’s not jinx this. I still have to try to get shoes on my sausage feet tomorrow morning.

I’m doing well. So that’s 6 days in a row. Which is starting to really endanger the blog. I mean, if I’m not chemostein bald and in hives, or bloated and red and having allergic reactions to the poison pumping in to me, or flopping out of bed with my 300 lb limbs, what on earth are you all going laugh about at your desks when you’re bored at work? (I note most of the blog reading gets done on Monday and Thursday….hmmmm.) Instead I’ll just have to start forwarding the Novena chain email that was miraculously started online by Saint Teresa (it’s no doubt how she achieved sainthood) and has been sent to me twice now–because you need a laugh and if I don’t forward it apparently my 2009 will suck. Can you imagine? I don’t want my 2009 ruined since it’s been going so well thus far, so I’m obviously going to forward my namesake’s email. And yes, Saint Teresa was totally on AOL…it’s the only one that existed back in the day.

Luckily though, there are always people’s comments to rile me up or get me thinking (or, um, wanting to scream via blog. Is that a blogscream?). So here is my cancer thought of the day…. Why do soooooo many people think crying is the “correct” or “normal” response to breast cancer? I haven’t cried. I honestly haven’t. I don’t even really see the point. I’m not a crier (unless it involves an animal or a funeral–then, I’m a basket case). That just isn’t how I deal. But I continue to get these looks or comments from people that make me feel like said person thinks I’m not really “dealing with it” or that I’m hiding something (hello???) or that I’m going to totally crack later because I’m not crying and being all emotional over this. Why is that? And for the record, my therapist thinks I’m doing just fine. And so does the person who spends nearly 24/7 with me. That’s right, Seamus thinks I’m perfect. Chris is also not expecting a breakdown and is quite happy I’m not falling apart on a regular basis. Or crying. (Men really hate it when women cry, don’t they?).

Here’s what happened recently. I’m toying very gingerly and with great trepidation at the remote possibility of turning the blog into a memoir (greatly pared down, of course; with names changed to protect the innocent–me, from lawsuits). The world does not need another memoir, let alone a breast cancer memoir, so that’s my hesitation. But then there isn’t a lot out there that deals with the situation in a humorous manner, and since I’ve already established that my particular “pink clique” wears black (humor) and is the minority in the Cancer Club, I sort of feel like it might be something useful to my clique, or future clique joiners. I don’t know–I don’t have the distance to know if it would be helpful or not. Or even interesting. And so, I brought a sample chapter to my writer’s group last night. The chapter was basically the two wig shopping experiences– the good and the bad (wig teen anyone?). (If you are really bored–or newish to the blog– and want more reading…here’s the links to the original blog posts on these adventures: Good Wigs and Bad Wigs)

One of my friends, who does know me…for over 15 years now…said that it was lacking emotion. And I was kind of floored. Huh? It’s seething with emotion–anger, fear, humiliation, and finally relief and happiness. I just wasn’t crying or sad or at all sentimental, because I’m not any of those things. And yet that’s what people expect. Then I came home and I was reading “The Middle Place”-which is a NY Times bestselling breast cancer memoir. And it’s really, really good. And she cries all the time. And people hover around her all the time. And they all cry too. When she shaves her head, as we chemo folks all do, she doesn’t go out of the house for several days (I went to a dinner party less than 24 hours later and took the wig off halfway through). When she leaves the house it’s with a scarf covering her head and to take her two small children and the neighbors kid to school. The neighbor’s kid, who is all of 3 years old, says “You look like a monster.” The kid’s mother frantically explains that the kid has been watching Monster’s Inc. Too late. Doesn’t matter. She bursts into tears and hands her keys to the neighbor so the neighbor can drive the kids (in her car) to school. Then she walks home, calling her husband (she gets him out of a meeting!!!!) and tells him what happened. The husband says “That f***er!” And she says “I don’t know what you call a man who calls a three year-old a f***er, but I called him ‘my hero.’” Again, I have to say, I was floored. It’s a 3 year old!!!! They also say “I hate you!” when they don’t get their way. I read it to Chris and he said “It’s a 3 year old!!” and I suppose, that’s why he’s my hero and not, say, someone like this author’s husband. I will always remember (and you may too, since I posted about it before) when I had a brief moment of almost sadness when I saw a woman with the “post-chemo” hair out walking and said to Chris “There’s my future,” and instead of indulging me in the pity party, Chris said “Future Teresa goes walking???” And that snapped me right out of it and made me laugh. But the thing is, this crying, fit-throwing, kinda self-indulgent behavior seems to be the far more accepted and expected and “normal” behavior. So again, I’m left feeling like cancer dork.

I do have a clique however. And its fearless leader, Cancer Vixen, emailed me today!!! Yes, I was ultimate cancer dork and emailed her what was basically a fan letter through the “My Breast Cancer Network” site (yeah, I know. I hate the name too…but Cancer Vixen is a contributor, so I overlooked it.). She responded today and here’s what she said:

MESSAGE:
OMG JUST got this! thank you LOVED the dog lived how are you feeling? You made MY DAY!! xo

I know, short but sweet and probably texted from her phone, but hey, she cares. I’m just going with that today. Today was a good cancer day. Even if I didn’t cry.

Yep. Five in a row. Five days of feeling good. I can’t complain. Sure, I fell up the (wooden) stairs today, and I’m sure my right leg will be eight shades of purple tomorrow, but that’s nothing compared to chemos 1 and 2. And I’m even in the dangerous “days 10 to 14″ (I’m on day 11). Fingers crossed, chemo three may indeed be the charm. I was feeling good enough today to be telling myself I really, really, really need to be working more. I will pace myself (I promise) but I plan on having a very productive work week ahead.

I had a nice quiet weekend with some reading, some writing, a walk with Chris and Seamus, and a few little projects (I even remembered to send birthday cards to folks!! If your birthday falls between April 17 and April 26–you may be among the only folks whose birthdays I remember and acknowledge in a timely fashion this year! for the rest of you–let me just say “Happy Birthday!!”). Tonight I even joined my writer’s group at MICHELLE OUELLETTE’S for a fabulous dinner and writing discussion. This is also important because it means Seamus got to a) run with Michelle’s dogs Will and Nellie (Seamus heart Will) and b) steal a hamburger. All while we hung out in Michelle’s beautiful newly landscaped backyard that has a distinctly French Provencal look. Ahhhh. Nice. Relaxing. In other words, this weekend–I got to be non-cancer person.

I realize that makes for a boring blog. And I’m sorry, but I have to say, I’m hoping for more boring blogs in my future. I hope you understand.

(the photo is one I took in France when Michelle, Rachel and I went out walking and came across this shop. Michelle didn’t have her camera and I’m never without mine, so I took the photo for her. This wall inspired a lovely blue wall in her new backyard.)